BRAVE NEW WORLD - I

This post will be one of its kind. Its gonna be long and descriptive and disgusting too.

Finally, time had come. Semester got over and this time for a change it was "home coming" for a long period. Normally, I have my tickets ready for the next place after home but this time it was simply--going home.

Traveling for me is more about looking around rather than reaching a particular destination. When you are traveling alone, I guess, you have enough time to look around and think about it. Different people, their strange habits, culture and things in general can attract your attention and make the most morose journey an interesting memory to hold back.

Well this post are my some thoughts on journey from gandhinagar to delhi and delhi to lucknow. To add on this, I will also write something about my two days stay in lucknow.

I might sound like a snob, sexist, regionalis-tic (i am not sure if it means anything), gross, disgusting and other bad things in this post. But I cant help it, these are my thoughts. I saw them and now I am writing about them. So i offer no apology.

To start off, I need to write something about Buffow. If Vishal Bhardwaj makes sequel of Omkara, I would suggest him to make Buffow Ajay Devgan's bodyguard. He looks almost twice as I am and has strength of three-me. To add on this, if I have to romanticize his character more, than I would suggest you to read about Luca Brasi in Godfather. Well at least his public image was near to it.

My relationship with him was/is of hello hi... except for one trip few years back, I dont remember after that if we interacted properly. Anyways we shared our auto to Ahmedabad railway station. Just after fifteen minutes of auto drive, I saw sudden wave of tension on Buffow's face... didnt exactly know how to interpret that, I offered him to share a smoke. He took it. Then he said, "Dee-u-de, I panic". Irritated by the “Dee-u-de” sound and quite confused about what he meant, I asked him "You want to smoke whole cigarette, I mean you can?" but it has to be more than a cigarette, after all it was giant Buffow who said the words "I PANIC", I thought may be I am in trouble too, I should panic too, so I finally asked "kya hua? why of all things panic? ". He replied, "I cant travel Dee-u-de, I get restless during traveling". Ok, I was not expecting this at least, what happened to your bad ass tough guy thing man? But anyways in that confusion I tapped his shoulder and with a serious face said, “don’t worry man! This too will pass…. Just a small journey man”. My consoling tone sounded like as if Buffow was fired from a job and his wife ditched him on the same day. But anyways Buffow was still serious and “panicked”. I thought to take off his brain from traveling-phobia, I will start off a conversation. I don’t remember but somehow he started telling me about this place in Patna where apparently “no one goes, not even people who live there go there”. Well, that was his words and I don’t know how is this possible, I didn’t question that. Buffow told me how with his friends, he has been there and had good time without any problem. Then he started off with a story where he saw one guy on his honeymoon getting beaten up by some taxi drivers in Patna and his wife crying (Now, I don’t know why would any couple will go for Honeymoon in Patna) and Buffow didn’t do anything to stop that fight. That night he cried and cursed his friends for not doing anything and stopping him to help that poor couple. He said he felt as a “Napunsak” that day. Crying part was bit in excess but really considerate of him to think like that.

Well by the end of the auto drive Buffow made me believe that he lives somewhere in Wild Wild West-- he has been in Naxalite areas, once as a kid, he was held by some dacoits in a bus on a gunpoint, he is friends with some maverick cops and have seen and done almost everything and anything. I almost felt like a Chinese talking to an Indian, I mean I also stay in same part as he does, but never heard or met, any sort of a person who has seen all this. Off course, I am not challenging his experiences, I am sure they all are true. There can be places where no one goes, underground tunnels with fully furnished house inside and couples can definitely go to Patna for Honeymoon.

Well finally, we boarded the train. Un/fortunately, he had his reservation in AC coach and mine was in sleeper coach. So, we parted with a promise to meet in delhi station. Journey was normal; I met another classmate inside, most of the time I was talking to her dad, whole journey went off pretty easily.

From Delhi to Lucknow, I had reservation in AC coach. AC Coaches are like morgues, people simply don’t talk to each other. The girl who was sitting next to me was reading “You Can Win by Shiv Khera” and was on page number 3 after two and a half hours of reading. The only time that girl and I bonded was when uncle sitting on the other side of me farted, not once but thrice. Uncle was sleeping and farting loudly without even realizing that he is in a train, with co-passengers and in an almost air-sealed AC Compartments. I was acting like a buffer zone between uncle and the girl. I remember distinctly, first time it happened we smiled and got back to whatever we were doing, second time it was still ok with a little disgusting expression, but I guess uncle just ate too much, third time, it looked as if she is gonna kill me… may be she was suspecting it was not uncle but me, but I cleared her doubts by giving same disgusted expression and pointing my finger towards uncle. That was the only smart thing I could have done at that time. Then after number three, uncle woke up, asked me to look after his luggage, and left compartment for fifteen minutes. All's well, that ends well.

Railway toilets are another site to watch. I mean in the whole train, toilets are the most sovereign places to visit. One of the freest places on earth, where right to expression is absolute. I guess now Indian Government should start putting A/UG/PG signs outside the toilets. But all said and done they are definitely informative too. If you know someone who has any problem related to speech, piles, sex related issues, stretch marks, short height, night falls, or something like that, and that person cannot find a doctor, please ask him/her to visit Indian Railway toilets. I am sure he/she shall find answer in one or two train journeys. Another part of the walls is full of manifestation of frustration and “other” related advertisements. Apart from hand-sketched genitals, one may find several one-liners giving away phone numbers and addresses. One such one-liner I remember was— “Hi my name is Sweethi, my phone number is 9**********. I am 22 and I enjoy sax with any body” (No, I didn’t take the number). To me it sounds more like a frustrated guy’s work than actually someone putting up numbers like that. If police have to find potential serial rapists they should start taking handwriting samples from train toilet’s or they can install hidden cameras (off course they wont face the direction where people “do” the stuff) in the toilets. Or they can put a metal detector on the entrance of toilet, where any sort of metal (like nibs) can be easily detected. My empirical analysis shows that all scribbling on the walls is done by blue ball pen, occasionally black pens too. No one will take a marker to scribble inside a toilet. And even if someone does its easy to find out who is carrying marker in a compartment. Hence metal detectors installed outside toilet entrance can help us to find potential serial rapists.

Another unusual and discriminatory thing I noticed inside the toilet was the—dabbas/lotas or whatever you call them. Ok, I don’t use train toilet’s but I think of hundreds and thousands of people who use would use them for all purpose. During my journey from delhi to lucknow, which was in an AC compartment, I noticed a Dabba tied tightly with a CHAIN and kept under the tap. I also remember that from Ahmedabad to Delhi in sleeper coach there was no such facility given. Now what is this? I pay more doesn’t mean that I do things differently!!! Secondly, where is this country heading, the Government cannot trust its people with a mug in toilet!! So they tie it tightly with a CHAIN!!!!! I mean who on earth will take that mug away??? Not even the poorest of person on earth would want to do that. All in all, you pay more you stay clean in hygiene and live longer. You travel in sleepers, you die soon.

Now I know who will say “you are so obsessed with toilet and shit”, so I should clarify I was simply smoking there and doing nothing. Post about lucknow will be on the second part of this article. Its already 5:20am.